Keep your kickball talk to yourself

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2014 FIFA World Cup

A wall murall seen in the street Rua Pereira Nunes on June 11, 2014 in Rio de Janeiro. (Matthias Hangst / Getty Images / June 11, 2014)

I don't like kickball. I don’t like people telling me I should like kickball. Go waste your breath about a waste of time somewhere else.

I don’t like people tsk-tsking me because I hate watching the mind-numbing kickball that begins Thursday. I’m under no obligation to submit to torture, and if I were, I’d choose waterboarding.

Speaking of that, it’s embarrassing that the United States does waterboarding better than kickball, but my dislike of kickball has nothing to do with the U.S. national kickball team's never winning anything. I mean, I still watch the Cubs.

I don’t care if the rest of the world likes kickball. The rest of the world can be pretty messed up at times, and obsessing over an exercise as boring as kickball is a prime example.

I don’t like people telling me that kickball is the sport of the future. I’ve been hearing that kickball will be the sport of the future in America for, I don’t know, 40 years. Waiting.

Wait. Ing.

While a majority of America has laughed with me at kickball proselytizers, the NFL has become everything that kickball Kool-Aid drinkers talked about. Football, not futbol. Never futbol. Never ever.

Some of the divas running around on the kickball field whine and flop worse than Dwyane Wade, and I can’t stand watching Wade, so why would I want to watch a more juvenile version of that?

Sometimes in the course of a game, a player commits a foul near his own goal. It must be a terrible foul because he and his teammates then have to line up in front of a kicker on the other team and publicly cover their man parts like they’re pledging a fraternity. Thank you, sir. May I have another?

And talk about stupid rules. Kickball has a special brand of omigod.

First, it’s a secret when the game ends. They have a thing called “extra time.’’ But nobody watching or playing seems to know how much “extra time’’ is remaining in extra time.

Then the game magically ends. Just like that. Over. Surprise!  Geez, even Pictionary is played with a timer that everybody can see.

And when nobody can score after 90 or 100 minutes -- kill me now -- kickball decides a winner from, what, 10 yards away kicking into a 30-foot net? Something like that. Something ridiculous like that.

And we haven’t even talked about some of the fans-slash-hooligans-slash-terrorists who can make Vancouverites look like as inert and lobotomized as Cubs owners.

Kickball causes concussions and, worse, subconcussive hits. It's an epidemic. You can tell it’s an epidemic by the number of people telling you how great world kickball is.

You can enjoy your kickball. Just don’t tell me I must become a kickball lemming, too.

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