Overlooked in the news coverage of hourslong security lines at O’Hare International and Midway airports is this: an opportunity.
Sure, the security screening logjams that have caused thousands to miss flights can be addressed by “hiring more Transportation Security Administration officers” and “bringing in bomb-sniffing canines” and “making sure America’s air transit system functions safely and efficiently.”
But that’s inside-the-luggage thinking.
Consider the old adage, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” I say we expand on that: “It’s not the destination, or the journey — it’s the airport!”
Imagine the money that can be saved, and the fun people can have, if we market the security lines at Chicago’s two airports as travel destinations unto themselves.
It’s not a vacation. It’s not a staycation. It’s a linecation!
Yes, the Windy City’s airport security lines could become the new “it” destinations this summer.
Consider this pitch:
Tired of those “same-old, same-old” family vacations? Sick of worrying about sunburns and difficult-to-photograph vistas?
Chicago has your answer. Leave your worries behind this summer and get in line at O’Hare International Airport!
Upon arrival, you’ll be greeted by hundreds of fellow travelers, and that’s where the fun begins. Put away your smartphone and get ready to teach your kids about good old-fashioned forced conversation.
Imagine the interesting people you can meet while standing around and stifling your slowly building rage with a taut smile. In front of you is Alice from Des Moines. She doesn’t understand the concept of personal space and seems oddly comfortable telling strangers about her recent hysterectomy.
Behind you is the Sanderson family from Boston. Doug sells insurance, Marge works in accounting and little Doug Jr. has gas and likes to yell, “EEEEEEEEEEP!!” every 20 seconds.
As the line creeps, you’ll stand shoulder to shoulder with other folks from across America and around the world, including a family from India that Alice from Des Moines is worried about because, she says, “they look kinda Mooslem.”
Visitors to O’Hare’s security line make friends (and some enemies!) that last a lifetime, because that’s approximately how long it takes to get through the line.
But the friendships are just the tip of the air-traffic control tower. An array of fabulous shopping and dining options are only a pass through an X-ray machine away.
You can enjoy fragrant, exotic coffees at even-more-expensive-than-usual Starbucks, or satisfy your hunger with a hot dog from one of the many places that serve hot dogs.
Looking for magnets that say “Chicago”? You’ll find them! Same with other things that have Chicago written on them, all manufactured by local artisans at large factories in other countries.
All this comes with gorgeous views of America’s aviation industry in action and people routinely bumping into you with large carry-on bags.
But wait. Maybe O’Hare’s security line seems a bit too metropolitan for your taste. Perhaps you crave a slower-paced, southern locale.
Not to worry, Midway Airport’s security line will fit you just fine. It’s more intimate than O’Hare but has the same staggeringly slow wait, guaranteeing you that friendship-building fun time with fellow travelers.
Whichever destination you choose, you’re guaranteed a unique vacation experience and, if you miss your flight (which you will), a complimentary cot and the opportunity to sleep under the stars (fluorescent lights) of a fully functioning (sort of) American airport.
When you’re planning your summer vacation, remember: Chicago’s airport security lines — more fun than you can stand, while standing.
I tweeted my idea to O’Hare’s Twitter account: “@fly2ohare Hi! Rex with the Chicago Tribune here. Have you considered encouraging travelers to just spend their entire vacation at O’Hare?”
And I also tweet-shared the idea with Midway: “@fly2midway Hey there! Rex Huppke with the Chicago Tribune. Could a person just vacation at Midway? Lines are a great way to meet people!”
I didn’t hear back from officials at either airport, so I have to assume they’re giving my idea serious thought.
It’s certainly a better plan than letting a bunch of big-government politicos throw money at the problem.
U.S. Sen. Dick Durbin said Tuesday that nearly 60 security officers and four bomb-sniffing dog teams are on their way to help out at O’Hare.
In a report by my colleague Dawn Rhodes, Durbin said: “Protecting the safety of passengers remains priority No. 1, but poor planning and inadequate funding have led to huge lines and unreasonable delays at airports in Chicago and across the country.”
He sees huge lines, I see huge chances for travelers to make friends and work on their patience.
Linecations!
They’re happening anyway. Might as well find a way to cash in.
