How to help a drowning man

I first wrote a piece similar to this 17 years ago, and it was so much fun that I have decided to update it, rewrite it, and publish it again. Since the political world has not changed very much in the interim, it is probably healthy for us to take deep breath and be willing to laugh at ourselves from time to time.

The idea is to compare how people of various political persuasions might react upon encountering a man in the process of drowning about 50 yards from the shoreline:

PROGRESSIVE: Would go looking for a rope, but it would have to be one that was manufactured by a "socially conscious" company that was not involved in defense contracts, was a "green"...